i am so happy right now.
its almost summer
i just rode in my dream car.
my ex-crush & i are friends again.
i didnt cry today.
its almost summer
i havent cut in almost a week. [wrist, thigh, anywhere]
my pool is opening this weekend.
its almost summer.
my grades are actually getting a little better
ive sorted my friends into catogories -
the ones im keeping, the ones im ditching, and the elwood ones that i actually want to be friends with.
bsg is starting in 240 days.
and
ITS ALMOST SUMMER<3333

i absolutely hate it when people put in their away messages: "with [insert name here] because i havent seen them in like a bajillion  years!" or "me & [insert name here] are being reunited again!"
you have no idea what not seeing someone in a "bajillion years" is. you have no idea what a real reunion is. a reunion is when you see youre best friend, you both fly into each others arms crying. because you HAVENT seen them in months & months. you see youre best friend EVERY SINGLE DAY. so stop talking. you have no idea how lucky you are.

well, christinas surprise party was today.
i felt really bad that like no one was there, but i still had fun. even if ARI & TJ werent there.
god, i needed to hug ari so bad. i still do. just looking a that girl makes my problems go away.
ari, if youre reading this .. I WANT YOU TO BREAK UP WITH TJ SO I CAN MAKE OUT WITH YOU WITHOUT FEELING BAD!

ok. yeah, sorry tj. and anyone else i just skeeved out.
but whatever, maybe im not even bi, maybe im a lesbian.
christina thinks im gonn have lesbian sex before i have regular sex.
and i think im ok with that.

soo yeah. pretty pointless post.
elwood life is getting better.
im slowly letting go of my old life.
but i know that by summer im gonna be needing it so bad. its gonna be so hard not to go spend all of summer in gcs/fs/wh. but i'll deal with it then.

i really need to go clean my room.

first, i want to say that im sorry to all of you elwood people.
im sorry you had to meet this depressed, not fun carolyn. this isnt me at all.
and i understand if you dont want to be friends with me. im bi, im always crying, i have scars on my wrists, i have a crush on a straight girl who youre all friends with, and i never act funny or exciting.
but, ive worked a few things out with myself.

im done being depressed. i have no reason for it anymore. people have it way worse than i do.
im done self-injuring myself. forever. and i mean it this time.
im done yelling at my family, even if they start it.
im done crying [in school, at least]
im done with the elwood people i dont like/dont like me.
im done with more than half my old friends. if we hang out a few times, thats ok, because i dont want to completely loose touch, but im giving up my past. i dont need any of this. i have 5 friends that i need from my old life. thats it. it hurts to much for me to hang out with all of you at once.

i feel responsible for some of the current elwood "drama" but people keep telling me its not my fault.
except 2 people. christina, and someone else. but the someone else doesnt even like me, so i dont care. and christinas just..christina. her logic doesnt always make sense to me.

the only thing im really upset about right now, is that no one seems to care when im upset. all i want is someone to listen to me, in person. not just talking to tj online when hes probobly not even paying attention to me. i want someone to tackle me out of nowhere, screaming "i love you!!!" the way i used to have people doing. i want someone to write me long notes about nothing, and listen to my random outburts/stories/songs.
i have people that do this.
but not a single one of them lives close to me, so its just not the same.
i want a best elwood friend.

so, im going to be myself, im going to end ninth grade with happiness & excitement.
again, im really sorry to everyone.
please let me start over.

i lied in my last post.
she knows.
and i care.
a lot.
because
i still like her
a lot
and if she reads this
it might make things even weirder between us
but whatever.
its how i feel.

but besides that.
my life went from HORRIBLE, to bad, to tolerable [spl?], to ok, to bad, to good, to horribleish. again.
i honestly mean that im done this time.
no more lying.

you know what? I DONT CARE.

IM BISEXUAL!
& i have a more-than-a-crush on a girl
[its not love, just not a normal crush]
and if you tell her, even after you promised you wouldnt, i dont give a frak.
i dont care if she knows.
she wont stop being friends with me. [i hope]
and even if she wont go bi with me, again, I DONT CARE.

im done cutting.
i say that the day after everytime i do it.
but this time, i mean it.
sure, it makes me feel better for a little while.
but it doesnt solve any of my problems.

my family & i dont get along.
i cant stand being around them.
but im gonna try harder.

my new friends are so much different from my old ones.
but they're still there for me.
honestly, without these elwood friends of mine, i would be suicidal right now.
and i mean that.

im done with the depression, lies, caring what people think, and pretending to be who i am.

im so happy. and so sad at the same time. yesterday, i had plans to hang out with sasha & heather, and before i went to sashas house, i cried. im still so nervous that im gonna mess something up. but when i got there, i was fine. i was mostly myself. i was happy, i really was. we painted our  nails, ate, and we just talked. i learned a lot about them yesterday. heather couldnt sleepover my house, but sasha did, and everything kinda..not fell apart, but was weird. maybe she didnt notice. but whenever its just me & one other person from elwood i freeze up. i dont know what to say, how to make a conversation. we watched movies & stayed up late, but we didnt talk all that much. still, im so very glad she slept over. after sasha left, i cried. i always cry. always. but this time, it was more out of happiness. im so lucky that my new friends didnt stop liking me because of my depression. im so glad im friends with all of them.
i am loosing my old friends.
even the ones that same they wont loose me.
i know i am.
and for some reason, i think im ok with that.
there are only 5 of them i really really need in my life.
as long as they dont leave, im ok.


my biggest issue?
i think i have  crush.
on a girl.
in elwood.
whos straight.
*smashes head against wall

i dont even give a damn who reads this. this is me. take it or leave it.

I am...
weird.
funny.
hyper.
loud.
annoying.
obnoxious.
stupid.
loyal.
caring.
nice.
a good friend.
a browncoat.
bisexual.
a vegetarian.

I like..
to run
to horseback ride.
to  be loud & crazy
to sing obnoxiously
to eat clovers
sweet tarts.
battlestar galactica
firefly
scifi in general
my friends<3
nintendo
hiking
camping
kayaking/canoeing.
simming
writing<3
reading
having fun.

I dislike...
fakes.
people who say they hate fakes when they are one themselves.
people who are afraid to be who they are. [even if i was one of them myself]
george w. bush

I am glad that i have..
my friends [new & old] <3
amy & company
bsg/firefly/serenity

I believe in..
Love.
Happy Endings.
True Friendships.
Global Warming.

My life is ..
almost as good as it used to be <33

i always thought that i could get through anything, with you by my side.
but what happens when you're not around anymore?

what i dont know:

-why me and amy are drifting apart.
-why my best friends cant even telll when im hurting
-why im jealous that two of my friends are becoming closer with each other.
-why i cant be myself here, even though its been months
-why i really dont like my family
-why i'd rather sit at home and eat peanut butter instead of go to gcs/fs to see my friends
-why every little thing makes me cry
-why i really want to be a bitch to pretty much everyone, so i wont have any friends and i can finally just be alone.


what i do know:
-i've changed. maybe not even for the good.
-i cant change back.

i dont even know how to explain what im going through
actually, maybe im not going through anything. maybe it's all in my head. because my life actually has gotten better, so why do i still feel so sad? why do i still cry myself to sleep every night? i mean, i actually am somewhat happy. and my issues actually have gotten better. so why do i still feel like this? talking about it doesnt help, because i cant explain it, and people telling me to try doesnt help, i just feel pressured. they say they want to help, and what they dont understand is that they are helping. just hearing their voices helps. just knowing they're there helps. just knowing that im not being forgotten. just knowing that i still have friends. hearing them laugh makes all my problems go away. and i swear, i swear, that i am never doing this again. and im not in denial any more, theres nothing to be in denial about. i dont have any more issues. i fixed them with myself last night. i must have stayed up half the night just thinking. and i can honestly say that im ok. you dont have to worry about me anymore.

you are one of my best friend. and you know it. i have known you only for about 2 years but it feels like a heck of a lot longer. you are one of the few people that really know me. and i know that you will always be there if i am in trouble or just feel like talking. We have had some of the craziest times but yet we can also have serious talks. You taught me things, you opened my eyes to so much, you made me feel so happy on some of my worst days, and you dont even know it. My moving made us stronger friends and i dont think i could have done any of it without you. you dont know how much you've helped me, how much i appreciate you putting up with me. i love you, i really do. and im so glad to call you one of my one true friends. thank you.

spring break is hereeeeeee! and suddenly, im not so sad anymore. because im seeing my friends, and im relaxing with them for 10 days. i dont even care about anything right now. im so happy i feel like i could burst.

whenever i talk to people, i always get the feeling that im the annoying person in the group, and whoever im with wants me to leave or is only continuing the conversationout of pity. and i know in a few cases its not true. i dont even know why i feel it. but whenever i get real quiet, and look at the floor, thats what im feeling. unwanted. and to be perfectly hoenest, im having a hard time getting myself back up on my feet. i try to smile and be myself. i focus on all the other things in my life, but on the inside there's just this mess of happy memories and a longing for more. whenever im remenicing with people, and laughing and smiling, really i just want to stop. i want the memories to go away. i want the good times to leave. because it hurts to much to remember. id rather not have had them at all then have this pain of missing them.

well, i am completely upset that life at carey is falling apart without me. yeah, maybe this might have hapened with me there too, but wasnt i always the one who tried to patch thing up? stop fights? help everyone become friends again? yeah, there was always drama, but usually our group stayed together through most of it. or made up quickly. there were occassions last year where we made each other cry, and yelled, and fought, and acted bitchy, but didnt we survive it all? didnt we stay friends for the most part? didnt we still talk and get along? now we're all turning on each other, yelling at each other, and worst of all shunning each other. september 15th 2005 [2006?], "the clique" yeah, you all say you love "the clique. i dont even know what the hell thats about. i wasnt there. ctina wasnt there. other people werent there. i thought that was all over and done with. becuase now, one of your own, someone who actually was there, who was actually apart of that "clique" is being ignored. and this person is one of my very best friends. frankly, youre all being assholes. and extremely two-faced. if you know me well, which most of you reading this do, you know that i dont like drama. i dont like fighting with people. im the one standing between the two people trying to beat each other up screaming "lets not fight! lets all be happy and joyous!" its occuring to me that i was the one who never picked a side in a fight,  i was the mutual friend who eventually helped the people make up. now, that mutual friend is gone. everyones going against each other. i know this probobly would have happened without me. i know that. but i really feel like if i were closer, i could fix it. i could make this right again. so now i have two options: 1) stop being filled in on carey drama, so i cant stop getting involved, let everything go the way its gonna work out. 2) get involved. that'll either make this better or worse.
im probobly gonna go with the second one, cause i cant not be involved. i already feel far away. people say all the time "remember that girl who used to go to our school? wasnt she one of our like,  best friends? what happened to her?"
i dont want that to be me. i dont want to be forgotten.i want everyone to know who i am. just like at the march jamboree, i ran around to random people "do you know who i  am?!?" and a majority said yes, and a lot even knew my name. some people even hugged me! this may be selfish, but i just want all my friends back. i want everyone to get along, so that when i go to fs, i wont have to pick whos house i sleepover, or which group to hang out with. i just want us all to be together again. is that so much to ask for?

nevermind.
paige and nicole slept over last night
and it was fun :]

now i have hw and crap.
one week til vacaaaa!

yesterday was march 15th. trish the tree day.
i woke up crying. cause i wanted to be at the old house.
i got called to guidance 3rd period. cause some of my "friends" told on me for cutting myself [which i had stopped doing & had never planned to do again after the night before after talking to tj and christina, who always seem to make everyting better.]
i started crying. i lied my way though it. i cry through the rest of 3rd. in between 3rd & 4th i go try and collect myself in the bathroom. heather was there, im crying, she takes me back into the hall, everyone crowds around me, and im hating all the attention. everyones saying "i didnt do it!" i cry through 4th. the aid wants me to step out into the hall and collect myself. i shake my head and bite my pen until she leaves. i dont cry again until track, when i cant run, cause i feel sick, im having my period, my shins are throbbing, and ive had a sucky day. so i go inside, kat comforts me while i pull myself together. sashas there with her sprained ankle, so i chillax with her until she leaves for physical therapy. everyone else comes in and we do crunches and stuff. and play the name game. my mom picks me up, we drop katy & heather at home. she tells me on the way home she found a note in my room. about me cutting myself. i firgure theres no point lying, she knows. so i cry and cry and cry and cry and tell her its over, i fixed it, im done, it was a one time thing, im fine, not to worry, and please do not tell dad. she says shes worried. she cries and cries. she says she wont tell dad. we hug, i go over sashas and hang out with her and her family. i dont know what i would have done without her these past 2 days. her and kat. but sasha didnt even ask questions really. she was just kind of there. im so glad that i have friends here.  even if i havent fully adjusted. if sasha ever reads this, i dunno what she'll think. but i really appreciate everything shes done for me lately. i feel so bad for crying and complaining about everything lately.
now i get to spend the weekend sitting at home cause my parents wont drive me to gcs in this wheather.
fun.

i need to learn to stop rolling up my seleves in public.

in health yesterday, she was talking about the 5 stages of grieving someone who died.
i realized im going through the same stages with moving, as pathetic as that is.
first stage - denial. christina & i denied that i was moving for months. i did even after i moved.
second stage - anger. i hated my parents. fought with them all the time. did terrible in school as reveneg against them.
third stage - bargaining. i tried bargaining with my parents "i'll do everything, i'll clean i'll get straight As, just take me back"
forth stage - depression. that lasted a while. i spent hours a day with a pillow over my head blasting music in my ears. i took freezing cold showers. i ignored everyone. i cut myself a few times.
fifth stage - acceptance. i didnt get to this stage until about a week ago.
if its possible to back up a stage, i did. because everything ive been happy about lately has been ripped out from under me.
but im ok with it, i'll live through it, like i always do. im going to pretend i didnt cry for 3 hours straight. im gonna pretend i didnt throw up from crying so hard. im gonna pretend that the second i head amys voice i didnt start crying because i missed her so much. im gonna pretend that nothings different, and tomorrow im going to walk into school with my head held high, and show the world that i can make it through everything. becuase all i need is amy paige christina and maybe tj. i dont need anyone else but them, cause i know that they are there forever. i dont judge me by only knowing me for a few months.

so i slept at my aunts house with tasha last night. my aunt lives in gcs, and it was so nice out.  i was running around outside without a jacket in my bear feet, and it brought back so many memories, that my throat tightened up. almost like i had been cring for hours and hours. i walked to cvs on hempstead turnpike, bought a growing snake since they didnt have the magazine i needed. ate blvd scoops. then ran into my aunts house and didnt go outside again until i had too.

but, on a happier not, the big bsg episode is on tonight.
if they kill starbuck, i might have to shoot myself! =]